An Unauthorized Vacation Blog

Scandal! I’m blogging on vacation! What in the world is wrong with me?

I’m sitting in the Port Angeles Super Eight Motel lobby, and it’s their own dang fault, because ethey have a sign outside that says “Free Wi-Fi.” So here I am, scabbing off their Wi-Fi and hoping nobody kicks me out. I’ve been here for over two hours now, and nobody has. Which is good, because I’m thoroughly enjoying myself.

I left my current headquarters, which is my in-law’s home a mile or so down the road, because all the men in the family are golfing and the women and children are sitting/screaming/videogaming. I did some actual work, sent off some emails and invoices, and am now blogging because I don’t really want to go back until I absolutely have to.

It’s been a fun vacation thus far. On the Fourth of July, we went to Safeco Field and watched a Mariners game in the center field bleachers, and it’s probably the first professional baseball game I’ve seen in over twenty years. I used to go to Dodgers Stadium with relative frequency, but those days are done. If you were at Safeco Field on the Fourth, it’s a good bet that you actually saw me, because the camera caught me shaking my booty to the song “Shake Your Booty,” and a massive laugh went up from the crowd as they broadcast my Mick Jagger-esque performance on the big screen. My eleven-year-old daughter Cleta was morbidly embarrassed, and rightfully so. As for me, I’m still basking in the glory. This is the closest I will ever get to performing in a major sports arena, and I want to savor the moment.

We spent an afternoon at the Olympic Game Farm, which involves driving your car through a herd of buffalo and letting their big, black, nasty tongues into the window of your car as you attempt to feed them stale bread without touching their tongues. It’s not easy to do, and you absolutely have to wash your car afterwards. You also feed zebras, yaks, llamas, and bears – who are behind a fence. You can also see a rhino with a severely mutated horn and a bunch of caged lions and tigers who don’t look happy to be there. It’s a family tradition to go there, but the place seems a little bit sadder with every visit.

(Close shave! As I was writing, a hotel clerk came up to me, and I was nervous that I was going to be booted out. Instead, she asked if I minded if she vacuumed in here, and I said no. Ha ha! I’m still blogging! Suckers!)

We’ve been to the Dungeness Spit and to Olympic National Park, where the deer are so accustomed to eating off people’s picnic tables that they’ve lost all fear of humanity and need to be chased away. We went to a U-Fish Pond and caught several rainbow trout, which tasted just fine after they died at our hands. There’s been much attention paid to the ancient Nintendo system that has dodge ball and Super Mario Brothers 3 cartridges – apparently, our Wii isn’t quite as cool as the systems they had back in the late 80s.

Summing up: Life is good. I’m still alive, and I’ll return writing in full forced next week. Until then, read something else.