Changes to Chapter 5.1
Old line:
“Oh, really?” Jeff was shouting now. “You know how this works, do you? A lot of experience in breaking and entering?”
New, improved line:
“Oh, really?” Jeff was peeved now. “You know how this works, do you? A lot of experience in breaking and entering?”
_____________________
Old explosion sequence:
She didn’t get a chance to finish. An explosion rocked the entire building, blowing the door off its hinges and out into the courtyard, and Walthius along with it. He came flailing out directly above Jeff’s head and behind a massive wooden chunk that slammed up against the metal railing and splintered in every direction.
That cleared the way for Walthius, who arrived at where the railing used to be just a split second after the top half of the door. Walthius arced slightly upward and before he dropped like a stone on to the patio below. In that briefest of moments, just before he fell, he managed to make eye contact with Jeff.
Walthius was smiling. Smiling!
And then he was gone.
New explosion sequence:
She didn’t get a chance to finish. With the sound of a thunderclap, an explosion rocked the entire building, blowing the door off its hinges and out into the courtyard, Walthius along with it. He came hurtling out, arms flailing, right above Jeff’s head, directly following the door, the bottom half of which slammed against Jeff, ripping the wood in two and sending the top half to take out the balcony’s metal railing.
On impact with the metal, the door splintered in every direction, clearing the way for Walthius, who arrived at where the railing used to be just a split second after the top half of the door. His body arced slightly upward before he dropped like a stone on to the patio below.
And in that briefest of moments, just before he fell, he managed to make eye contact with Jeff.
Walthius was smiling. Smiling!
And then he was gone.
_____________________
Old backdraft moment:
Jeff was about to scream, but then he heard Lisa screaming for him. He turned to face the apartment which was now engulfed in flame. Lisa had been pulled into the center of the room by the backdraft, and she was hysterical, screaming but still cradling herself, rocking back and forth almost in a fetal position, a stream of blood mixed with grime was trickling down from her forehead.
New Backdraft moment:
Jeff resisted a heavy backdraft yanking him inside, toward the carnage. He thought, for a moment, that he was screaming, but he quickly realized it was Lisa screaming for him. He turned to face the apartment which was now engulfed in flame. Lisa had been pulled into the center of the room by the backdraft, and she was hysterical, screaming, cradling herself, rocking back and forth almost in a fetal position, a stream of blood trickling down her scorch-marked forehead.
_____________________
Old "getting closer" moment:
He looked down, and despite his myopia, he could see the apartment building being devoured by flame. As he got closer, he realized it was better than he’d thought -
New "getting closer" moment:
He looked down, and despite his myopia, he could see the apartment building being devoured by flame. He had to find Walthius, to make sure he was okay. So he began to descend again, and as he got closer, he realized it was better than he’d thought -
_____________________
Old Walthius shout-out moment:
“Walthius!” he shouted. No answer. He knew there was no way anyone could have survived a fall like that, but he refused to let himself believe it.
New Walthius shout-out moment:
“Walthius!” he shouted. No answer. He thought briefly about Leo Chakiris, who had no doubt been consumed by the initial explosion. I’m okay with that, he thought grimly. It’s Walthius I’m concerned about. Jeff knew there was no way anyone could have survived the fall, but he refused to let himself believe it.
_____________________
Old "where was he?" moment:
Walthius landed in the pool. He was all right. He wasn’t dead.
So where was he?
New "where has he gone?" moment:
Walthius landed in the pool. He was all right. He wasn’t dead.
But he wasn’t here. Where had he gone?
_____________________
That's all for now. Carry on.
“Oh, really?” Jeff was shouting now. “You know how this works, do you? A lot of experience in breaking and entering?”
New, improved line:
“Oh, really?” Jeff was peeved now. “You know how this works, do you? A lot of experience in breaking and entering?”
_____________________
Old explosion sequence:
She didn’t get a chance to finish. An explosion rocked the entire building, blowing the door off its hinges and out into the courtyard, and Walthius along with it. He came flailing out directly above Jeff’s head and behind a massive wooden chunk that slammed up against the metal railing and splintered in every direction.
That cleared the way for Walthius, who arrived at where the railing used to be just a split second after the top half of the door. Walthius arced slightly upward and before he dropped like a stone on to the patio below. In that briefest of moments, just before he fell, he managed to make eye contact with Jeff.
Walthius was smiling. Smiling!
And then he was gone.
New explosion sequence:
She didn’t get a chance to finish. With the sound of a thunderclap, an explosion rocked the entire building, blowing the door off its hinges and out into the courtyard, Walthius along with it. He came hurtling out, arms flailing, right above Jeff’s head, directly following the door, the bottom half of which slammed against Jeff, ripping the wood in two and sending the top half to take out the balcony’s metal railing.
On impact with the metal, the door splintered in every direction, clearing the way for Walthius, who arrived at where the railing used to be just a split second after the top half of the door. His body arced slightly upward before he dropped like a stone on to the patio below.
And in that briefest of moments, just before he fell, he managed to make eye contact with Jeff.
Walthius was smiling. Smiling!
And then he was gone.
_____________________
Old backdraft moment:
Jeff was about to scream, but then he heard Lisa screaming for him. He turned to face the apartment which was now engulfed in flame. Lisa had been pulled into the center of the room by the backdraft, and she was hysterical, screaming but still cradling herself, rocking back and forth almost in a fetal position, a stream of blood mixed with grime was trickling down from her forehead.
New Backdraft moment:
Jeff resisted a heavy backdraft yanking him inside, toward the carnage. He thought, for a moment, that he was screaming, but he quickly realized it was Lisa screaming for him. He turned to face the apartment which was now engulfed in flame. Lisa had been pulled into the center of the room by the backdraft, and she was hysterical, screaming, cradling herself, rocking back and forth almost in a fetal position, a stream of blood trickling down her scorch-marked forehead.
_____________________
Old "getting closer" moment:
He looked down, and despite his myopia, he could see the apartment building being devoured by flame. As he got closer, he realized it was better than he’d thought -
New "getting closer" moment:
He looked down, and despite his myopia, he could see the apartment building being devoured by flame. He had to find Walthius, to make sure he was okay. So he began to descend again, and as he got closer, he realized it was better than he’d thought -
_____________________
Old Walthius shout-out moment:
“Walthius!” he shouted. No answer. He knew there was no way anyone could have survived a fall like that, but he refused to let himself believe it.
New Walthius shout-out moment:
“Walthius!” he shouted. No answer. He thought briefly about Leo Chakiris, who had no doubt been consumed by the initial explosion. I’m okay with that, he thought grimly. It’s Walthius I’m concerned about. Jeff knew there was no way anyone could have survived the fall, but he refused to let himself believe it.
_____________________
Old "where was he?" moment:
Walthius landed in the pool. He was all right. He wasn’t dead.
So where was he?
New "where has he gone?" moment:
Walthius landed in the pool. He was all right. He wasn’t dead.
But he wasn’t here. Where had he gone?
_____________________
That's all for now. Carry on.
posted by Elder Samuel Bennett | 10:36 AM
5 Comments:
I am lovin' this!
Great changes. They make things much clearer.
Ready for 5.2!
By the way, how many chapters are there?
So far, twelve.
Fantastic changes!
If Jeff is floating in the courtyard, how does he crouch down and crawl up to the door?
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