On Not Being Gay
I’m a slob. That’s why I’m not gay.
Seinfeld taught us that all gay people are thin, single, and neat. I used to be two out of three, but my piles of wrinkled clothing and the fast food wrappers stored in my car kept me from going over the edge. Of course, now I’m married and fat, too, so I’m straight for life.
I still fit a bunch of the gay stereotypes, though. I hate sports. When I lived in the dorms at USC, I used to do my laundry during the football games because all the washers were free. (My opposition to organized athletics has mellowed with time, but that’s not saying much.) I also dig musical theatre, which, I’m told, holds some appeal to the gay demographic. I sang in a choir from the time I was 11 to the time I was 17. I played the French horn in middle school, for crying out loud. If that won’t turn you gay, nothing will.
As a kid, I threw the word “fag” around as a generic epithet, like “jerk” or “doofus.” I had no idea what the word actually meant. Even after I finally found out, I still thought that actual gay people couldn’t possibly exist. They were make believe, like elves, gremlins or Eskimos.
I think I believed that until I was about twelve or thirteen, when I met, for the first time, a man who openly identified himself as gay. (It was at a choral festival, which is very surprising, as I didn’t think gay people liked choral festivals.) He was a nice enough guy and did nothing inappropriate, but he seriously weirded me out. He fit every stereotype – he was effeminate, swishy, talked with a lisp, the whole nine yards. That’s when I decided that gay people weren’t fictional – they were just exceptionally rare circus freaks, like Jojo the Monkey Boy or the Bearded Lady with an Extra Nose. It didn’t occur to me that people I actually knew in everyday life could ever think or feel like the creepy gay dude I'd just met.
I’m not sure when reality finally dawned on me, but it was a long time coming. I now have gay relatives, gay in-laws, and gay friends. This is probably no big deal to most people, but it all gets kind of messy when the Mormon Church gets involved.
The Church has always insisted that homosexual behavior is a sin against God, but it has struggled with how to deal with the temptation. Once upon a time, some leaders counseled homosexuals to get married to fix everything. Or play sports. Or pray harder. The message seemed to be that if you were more righteous, the temptation would go away. One friend of mine did all three, and, when nothing changed, he left the Church as he annulled his temple wedding the day after it happened.
He hates the Church. He hates life in general. He’s not a particularly happy guy.
The actual, official position of the Church gets misrepresented to some degree. I think it’s a bit more flexible than many realize. Yes, there’s no compromise on whether the behavior is sinful, but there’s also the reassurance that the temptation is not. That’s little consolation to some who see no acceptable outlet for their feelings, but it should be noted that it’s the same thing the Church asks of unmarried heterosexuals.
When I made this point to a friend of mine, he said, “At least the straight singles get pity.” If the Church is softening on this issue at all, it’s in this way – gays are starting to get pity, too. I’m not sure if that’s a huge step forward, as pity isn’t really my thing. I do think, however, that those who struggle with homosexual feelings and remain members of the Church are singularly remarkable people who are carrying a cross far heavier than any load I’ve been called to bear.
They don’t deserve pity; they deserve respect.
I can’t personally judge homosexuals. When I see adulterers or thieves or liars, I know and appreciate the temptation that led them into folly. I have no similar context for understanding homosexuality. I’m tempted, to some degree, to do as Seinfeld did when George Constanza unloaded all his deepest, darkest, most depraved secrets to him. Seinfeld listened patiently, but afterward, he just said, “Yeah, well, good luck with all that!” and walked away.
That’s the temptation for a large number of Mormons, too. We don’t get it, so we ignore it. We become Ahmedinijad at Columbia University. There are no homosexuals in Iran.
That’s a huge mistake. God isn’t ignoring anyone, and neither should we.
Except Barbra Streisand. I loathe Barbra Streisand. I’m somewhat indifferent to Judy Garland, but I don’t know anything about her non-Oz work. Bette Midler is OK in small doses, but I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than sit through Beaches again.
Seinfeld taught us that all gay people are thin, single, and neat. I used to be two out of three, but my piles of wrinkled clothing and the fast food wrappers stored in my car kept me from going over the edge. Of course, now I’m married and fat, too, so I’m straight for life.
I still fit a bunch of the gay stereotypes, though. I hate sports. When I lived in the dorms at USC, I used to do my laundry during the football games because all the washers were free. (My opposition to organized athletics has mellowed with time, but that’s not saying much.) I also dig musical theatre, which, I’m told, holds some appeal to the gay demographic. I sang in a choir from the time I was 11 to the time I was 17. I played the French horn in middle school, for crying out loud. If that won’t turn you gay, nothing will.
As a kid, I threw the word “fag” around as a generic epithet, like “jerk” or “doofus.” I had no idea what the word actually meant. Even after I finally found out, I still thought that actual gay people couldn’t possibly exist. They were make believe, like elves, gremlins or Eskimos.
I think I believed that until I was about twelve or thirteen, when I met, for the first time, a man who openly identified himself as gay. (It was at a choral festival, which is very surprising, as I didn’t think gay people liked choral festivals.) He was a nice enough guy and did nothing inappropriate, but he seriously weirded me out. He fit every stereotype – he was effeminate, swishy, talked with a lisp, the whole nine yards. That’s when I decided that gay people weren’t fictional – they were just exceptionally rare circus freaks, like Jojo the Monkey Boy or the Bearded Lady with an Extra Nose. It didn’t occur to me that people I actually knew in everyday life could ever think or feel like the creepy gay dude I'd just met.
I’m not sure when reality finally dawned on me, but it was a long time coming. I now have gay relatives, gay in-laws, and gay friends. This is probably no big deal to most people, but it all gets kind of messy when the Mormon Church gets involved.
The Church has always insisted that homosexual behavior is a sin against God, but it has struggled with how to deal with the temptation. Once upon a time, some leaders counseled homosexuals to get married to fix everything. Or play sports. Or pray harder. The message seemed to be that if you were more righteous, the temptation would go away. One friend of mine did all three, and, when nothing changed, he left the Church as he annulled his temple wedding the day after it happened.
He hates the Church. He hates life in general. He’s not a particularly happy guy.
The actual, official position of the Church gets misrepresented to some degree. I think it’s a bit more flexible than many realize. Yes, there’s no compromise on whether the behavior is sinful, but there’s also the reassurance that the temptation is not. That’s little consolation to some who see no acceptable outlet for their feelings, but it should be noted that it’s the same thing the Church asks of unmarried heterosexuals.
When I made this point to a friend of mine, he said, “At least the straight singles get pity.” If the Church is softening on this issue at all, it’s in this way – gays are starting to get pity, too. I’m not sure if that’s a huge step forward, as pity isn’t really my thing. I do think, however, that those who struggle with homosexual feelings and remain members of the Church are singularly remarkable people who are carrying a cross far heavier than any load I’ve been called to bear.
They don’t deserve pity; they deserve respect.
I can’t personally judge homosexuals. When I see adulterers or thieves or liars, I know and appreciate the temptation that led them into folly. I have no similar context for understanding homosexuality. I’m tempted, to some degree, to do as Seinfeld did when George Constanza unloaded all his deepest, darkest, most depraved secrets to him. Seinfeld listened patiently, but afterward, he just said, “Yeah, well, good luck with all that!” and walked away.
That’s the temptation for a large number of Mormons, too. We don’t get it, so we ignore it. We become Ahmedinijad at Columbia University. There are no homosexuals in Iran.
That’s a huge mistake. God isn’t ignoring anyone, and neither should we.
Except Barbra Streisand. I loathe Barbra Streisand. I’m somewhat indifferent to Judy Garland, but I don’t know anything about her non-Oz work. Bette Midler is OK in small doses, but I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than sit through Beaches again.
posted by Elder Samuel Bennett | 10:20 AM
10 Comments:
You sat through Beaches even once? Gay.
I myself am super gay. I get regular newsletters like Gay Times. They have all kinds of gay interest stuff. They even had a link to this blog. That's where I first learned about it.
Super gay. Wow. That's pretty gay.
How many times have you seen Beaches, then?
Even being super gay, I've only managed to sit through the first fifteen minutes of Beaches. To make it through the whole movie, I'd have to be mega gay. Even most gays don't know about the existence of mega gays.
I am not mega gay.
Beaches sucks. Big time.
Oh, and I thought your desire to sleep with women instead of men was what made you straight, not your slobbishness.
You'd think so. But Seinfeld says otherwise.
I'm just glad that I have no knowledge of Beaches. Never heard of it.
You are the wind beneath Languatron's wings.
As you stated, temptation is not sin. In considering how to overcome temptation, the operative word, though, is not pity or even respect. I believe it is love. Many people suffer sorely from deep temptations towards addictive sins (homosexuality, pornography, adultery, alcoholism, greed, etc.), and all must be loved fiercely if we are to be of any help at all. Those who are able to curb the natural man and refuse to act on the temptations can, through consistent obedience, overcome even the desire to do sin. In the end, every one of us must be proved even as Abraham was.
I don't think Mormons ignore homosexuality. I think we just do not give it an elevated place of respect in the pantheon of addictions people must overcome.
Maybe addiction is the wrong word. Perhaps disposition is more accurate.
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