Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Taking a breather from politics, I took my three boys to see a movie yesterday. They chose Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and I did my fatherly duty and went along. I would have preferred to rip out both of my eyes with an ice cream scoop, but I sat in the theatre and watched the thing, until I was able to zone out and take a brief nap, waking up and finding my toes all toasty warm. Isn't that great, when you fall asleep in the middle of the day, and you wake up oddly refreshed? Usually, yes. But then you wake up and realize you haven't missed nearly enough of Star Wars: The Clone Wars and/or you're not dead, which would have been a really good time to check out, if you know what I mean.
Look, I'm a geek. Of course I love Star Wars. I had the action figures, the comic books, and I was saving paper route money to buy a radio-controlled R2-D2. Foodleking and I ditched school to stand in line and see an early showing of Return of the Jedi. Back in '97, I went to the rereleases and whooped and hollered and cheered. I was bugged that Greedo no longer shot first, but I still had a good time. I couldn't wait for the prequels to come out.
I remember it well. It was May of 1999. I had moved to St. George, but my family hadn't followed me down there yet. I went on opening night of The Phantom Menace with some Tuacahn folks, and I sat next to a big bald guy named Jared. I so wanted the movie to be good. I even pretended it was good, until my Jar Jar threshold was overrun. And then the Force became a midichlorian infection, and I realized that the movie wasn't just disappointing - it sucked beyond all measure of sucking. It diminished the original trilogy solely by existing. At the final shot, the big Jared guy shouted "YESSSS!"like some hyperbald fanboy buffoon. He asked me why I wasn't equally excited.
"Because it wasn't very good," I said.
He protested, but I wouldn't budge on my assessment. He finally insisted I just wasn't a true Star Wars fan.
But I am a Star Wars fan. I love the original trilogy. Jedi is a little disappointing, yes, but I refused to admit that for a decade or so after its release. I loathed Phantom Menace and, after hoping for a comeback with Attack of the Clones, found myself increasingly disappointed. I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith more than the other two, but that's like saying it's better to eat stale lettuce than a bowlful of vomit.
I've since concluded that there hasn't been a real Star Wars film since 1983.
All this Anakin/Jar Jar/Clone Warsy offal is its own beast. Some people even like them. But they're not of a piece with Star Wars. That's why I loved the new Indiana Jones movie, despite its many flaws. No, it wasn't a masterpiece, but it was an Indiana Jones movie. It fit in the pantheon, however diminished it is from the original.
The Star Wars prequels are like Galactica 1980 or Highlander 2: The Quickening. They not only suck; they damage what's gone before. The only way to fully appreciate the original is to ignore the rotgut that was spawned in its name.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is the embodiment of the aforementioned rotgut. It's a prequel sequel that serves as a prequel to Episode III. Nothing of consequence happens, although there are lots of loud scenes and crappy computer animation. You get to see Jabba's farting baby and gay uncle. And both Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson embarrass themselves by providing the voices for their characters, something the mighty Hayden Christensen wasn't even willing to do. Of course, Anthony Daniels does do the voice work for C3Po, but he sold his soul to the Lucasian devil a long time ago.
The best thing I can say about it is that it's not pornography. That's something, I guess.
Look, I'm a geek. Of course I love Star Wars. I had the action figures, the comic books, and I was saving paper route money to buy a radio-controlled R2-D2. Foodleking and I ditched school to stand in line and see an early showing of Return of the Jedi. Back in '97, I went to the rereleases and whooped and hollered and cheered. I was bugged that Greedo no longer shot first, but I still had a good time. I couldn't wait for the prequels to come out.
I remember it well. It was May of 1999. I had moved to St. George, but my family hadn't followed me down there yet. I went on opening night of The Phantom Menace with some Tuacahn folks, and I sat next to a big bald guy named Jared. I so wanted the movie to be good. I even pretended it was good, until my Jar Jar threshold was overrun. And then the Force became a midichlorian infection, and I realized that the movie wasn't just disappointing - it sucked beyond all measure of sucking. It diminished the original trilogy solely by existing. At the final shot, the big Jared guy shouted "YESSSS!"like some hyperbald fanboy buffoon. He asked me why I wasn't equally excited.
"Because it wasn't very good," I said.
He protested, but I wouldn't budge on my assessment. He finally insisted I just wasn't a true Star Wars fan.
But I am a Star Wars fan. I love the original trilogy. Jedi is a little disappointing, yes, but I refused to admit that for a decade or so after its release. I loathed Phantom Menace and, after hoping for a comeback with Attack of the Clones, found myself increasingly disappointed. I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith more than the other two, but that's like saying it's better to eat stale lettuce than a bowlful of vomit.
I've since concluded that there hasn't been a real Star Wars film since 1983.
All this Anakin/Jar Jar/Clone Warsy offal is its own beast. Some people even like them. But they're not of a piece with Star Wars. That's why I loved the new Indiana Jones movie, despite its many flaws. No, it wasn't a masterpiece, but it was an Indiana Jones movie. It fit in the pantheon, however diminished it is from the original.
The Star Wars prequels are like Galactica 1980 or Highlander 2: The Quickening. They not only suck; they damage what's gone before. The only way to fully appreciate the original is to ignore the rotgut that was spawned in its name.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is the embodiment of the aforementioned rotgut. It's a prequel sequel that serves as a prequel to Episode III. Nothing of consequence happens, although there are lots of loud scenes and crappy computer animation. You get to see Jabba's farting baby and gay uncle. And both Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson embarrass themselves by providing the voices for their characters, something the mighty Hayden Christensen wasn't even willing to do. Of course, Anthony Daniels does do the voice work for C3Po, but he sold his soul to the Lucasian devil a long time ago.
The best thing I can say about it is that it's not pornography. That's something, I guess.
posted by Elder Samuel Bennett | 3:13 PM
7 Comments:
My son had no interest in "The Clone Wars".
Neither did I, so we didn't bother to go see it.
Like you SC, I took my 8 and 10 year old sons to see the movie. It was non-stop animated fighting, with very little story mixed in. Although I didn't like it, they did, which was the point. Don't think I could sit through it again though.
When episode II came out my dad said to me, "I thought Hayden Christensen was great!" When I gasped, wondered if I could ever admit he was my father again, and asked him why he said, "Well, he was supposed to play an annoying, stupid, know-it-all teenager, and he pulled it of perfectly. When you're my age you'll understand how well he played that role."
Hey Stallion, think of Jar Jar in the buff. Carry that image around with you for the rest of the day.
I'am certain you'll feel better.
SM
Phantom Menace did suck hard. But it still has the best lightsaber battle of all the films.
The Clone Wars? Worst. Movie. Ever.
I played brick-breaker on my Blackberry most of the time. I even left to go to the bathroom and asked how long it was. When they said 2 hours I almost didn't go back in, but alas my children were in there. I wanted to die. My 5 year old loved it though, so there you go. At least I could walk out of Zohan.
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