What, Me Worry?

Around Christmas of 2002, I broke my arm. I told everyone I did it while I was wrastling a bear, but, in actuality, I slipped and fell on the icy steps of my front porch. Had there been a bear on my front porch that particular morning, though, I would have wrastled him but good.

Anyway, they prescribed Vicodin for me to help with the pain. I dutifully took my prescription according to the doctor’s recommendations, until three or four weeks after my fall, I asked Mrs. Cornell:

“How long should I keep taking these?”

“You need to keep taking them for as long as you have pain,” she said.

“I haven’t had any pain for a long time,” I answered. “I just like how these make me feel.”

She made me stop taking them after that. Dang it.

I’m a big fan of drugs. With my hacking cough/cold, I’ve been a Nyquil and Dayquil junkie these past few days, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. It’s a good thing I’m a Mormon, because otherwise I’d probably be a lush.

That’s why the recent article about depression in Utah didn’t surprise me much. In case you missed it, it seems Utah leads the antion in terms of diagnosed cases of depression, most notably Utah women. The article concludes that Mormon women are far more depressed because A) they’re expected to be perfect, and B) their education system is underfunded. (Don’t worry, fellow Utahns – Explanation B didn’t make sense to me, either, and I have a California public education, which was overfunded.)

In my non-professional opinion, I think Utah women are diagnosed with depression more often than the national average because A) non-Mormons self-medicate with alcohol, and B) Utah women are smart enough to get a doctor’s help to treat depression. The only way a good Mormon takes drugs of any kind is if a doctor tells them it’s OK. But a cold beer is available to most folks without benefit of a prescription.

That’s not to say that the Mormon peer pressure isn’t extensive. But given the tone of the article, it’s clearly an attempt to slam the church under color of objectivity. The article refers to the “Mother of Zion syndrome,” as if it’s actually some kind of recognized psychological disorder. I think the author was suffering from “Mitt Romney withdrawal syndrome.” We all respond to the syndrome in different ways. I become a political hermit, whereas this reporter finds some other excuse for bashing Mormons.

With Mitt Romney on the sidelines for the next four years, we can reasonably expect the number of anti-Mormon media slams to subside. But only if the media continues to take its medication.