Meetings
I’m writing this knowing that I have a big meeting in fifteen minutes. Here’s the reason I’m never going to go very far.
I hate meetings.
I don’t mind meeting with people when there’s something to talk about – I just hate “meetings.” Where people sit around a table and have an agenda. Where someone always “calls in” and everyone has to speak up so the speakerphone can hear it. And when that person is asked to comment, he or she has to take the phone off mute and say “what?” And then the whole meeting stops as you catch them up on what’s just been said. And the meetings last at least an hour longer than you thought, or at least an hour longer than it needed to go, even if it was only supposed to last an hour.
I remember working for the pseudonymically-labeled Myron Felgewater, who used to cram the day with meetings, including meetings on how to make our meetings more productive. When he asked for input on how to make that happen, I suggested fewer meetings, which didn’t go over well.
Where I come from, it takes a damn good meeting to be better than no meeting at all.
Which, of course, leads me to believe that I’m probably in the wrong church. Mormons meet. A lot. It’s gotten better with time, from what I hear. It used to be that you’d go to three hours of meetings in the morning and then come back for a two-hour Sacrament Meeting at night. When I was about twelve, the Church came back with their new, improved “block schedule,” which combined most of the massive meetings into a single, three-hour block.
Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Every Sunday.
This was one of the main reasons Glenn Beck was initially reticient about investigating the Church. “If your God can’t get it all done in an hour like everybody else,” he reportedly said, “ then I’m not interested.”
Of course, now that I’m no longer in a bishopric, three hours is nothing. I used to get up at 5:30 AM to get to my first 6:00 AM Bishopric meeting, and then do nothing but go through a series of meetings – Correlation, Welfare, Priesthood Executive Committee – until the three-hour regular meeting block started. And then there were stewardship meetings and temple recommend interviews and whatever else meetings after the block. I didn’t get home until four o’clock on a regular Sunday, and I wasn’t at that meetinghouse half the time the Bishop was.
For the Bishopric, sitting up on the stand is the only time Sunday is actually a day of rest.
I always fell asleep sitting up on the stand. Always. In full view of the entire congregation. It got so bad that one family had a running bet - not whether or not I would fall asleep, but whether I would do it before or after the bottom of the hour.
I tried not to. Honestly, I did. But when you’ve been up since 5:30 and been meeting all day, and you’re finally not being asked to do anything but listen, it’s hard to get the body geared up enough to stay alert. Once the snooze instinct hits, you have no recourse. You can, of course, tighten your sphincter, which gives you about three seconds of alertness, but there’s not much else.
I bring this up because our family attended the dedicatory services for the new Draper, Utah temple. The dedicatory prayer was beautiful; the Hosanna Shout was inspiring, and hearing the choir sing “The Spirit of God” was certainly a highlight.
So why did the whole thing have to last an hour and a half?
We got THREE choir songs, about FOUR different speakers, and an event that could have been about thirty minutes long and felt entirely complete was elongated to three times its natural length. Why?
I hope this doesn’t make me look faithless. I love the Church; I love the Gospel; I love, adore, and worship the Savior.
And I really, really hate meetings.
I hate meetings.
I don’t mind meeting with people when there’s something to talk about – I just hate “meetings.” Where people sit around a table and have an agenda. Where someone always “calls in” and everyone has to speak up so the speakerphone can hear it. And when that person is asked to comment, he or she has to take the phone off mute and say “what?” And then the whole meeting stops as you catch them up on what’s just been said. And the meetings last at least an hour longer than you thought, or at least an hour longer than it needed to go, even if it was only supposed to last an hour.
I remember working for the pseudonymically-labeled Myron Felgewater, who used to cram the day with meetings, including meetings on how to make our meetings more productive. When he asked for input on how to make that happen, I suggested fewer meetings, which didn’t go over well.
Where I come from, it takes a damn good meeting to be better than no meeting at all.
Which, of course, leads me to believe that I’m probably in the wrong church. Mormons meet. A lot. It’s gotten better with time, from what I hear. It used to be that you’d go to three hours of meetings in the morning and then come back for a two-hour Sacrament Meeting at night. When I was about twelve, the Church came back with their new, improved “block schedule,” which combined most of the massive meetings into a single, three-hour block.
Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Every Sunday.
This was one of the main reasons Glenn Beck was initially reticient about investigating the Church. “If your God can’t get it all done in an hour like everybody else,” he reportedly said, “ then I’m not interested.”
Of course, now that I’m no longer in a bishopric, three hours is nothing. I used to get up at 5:30 AM to get to my first 6:00 AM Bishopric meeting, and then do nothing but go through a series of meetings – Correlation, Welfare, Priesthood Executive Committee – until the three-hour regular meeting block started. And then there were stewardship meetings and temple recommend interviews and whatever else meetings after the block. I didn’t get home until four o’clock on a regular Sunday, and I wasn’t at that meetinghouse half the time the Bishop was.
For the Bishopric, sitting up on the stand is the only time Sunday is actually a day of rest.
I always fell asleep sitting up on the stand. Always. In full view of the entire congregation. It got so bad that one family had a running bet - not whether or not I would fall asleep, but whether I would do it before or after the bottom of the hour.
I tried not to. Honestly, I did. But when you’ve been up since 5:30 and been meeting all day, and you’re finally not being asked to do anything but listen, it’s hard to get the body geared up enough to stay alert. Once the snooze instinct hits, you have no recourse. You can, of course, tighten your sphincter, which gives you about three seconds of alertness, but there’s not much else.
I bring this up because our family attended the dedicatory services for the new Draper, Utah temple. The dedicatory prayer was beautiful; the Hosanna Shout was inspiring, and hearing the choir sing “The Spirit of God” was certainly a highlight.
So why did the whole thing have to last an hour and a half?
We got THREE choir songs, about FOUR different speakers, and an event that could have been about thirty minutes long and felt entirely complete was elongated to three times its natural length. Why?
I hope this doesn’t make me look faithless. I love the Church; I love the Gospel; I love, adore, and worship the Savior.
And I really, really hate meetings.
posted by Elder Samuel Bennett | 11:47 AM
13 Comments:
I agree whole heartedly. We went early to be able to sit on the pews (we live in St. George) and so we were there for 3 hours. At least our block was cut short and we only attended Sacrament meeting. It pretty much ruined it for my eight year old daughter because she had to sit there for so stinkin long.
Missed the dedication, but enjoyed your post. Any time the word "sphincter" is mentioned in the same blog post with the church, I'm amused. (And I love the church).
I also want to thank you for using the word "flatulence" under your activities on Facebook. Being a 34 year old woman who is part 12 year old boy, I've started to occasionally use the word around my husband, just because I like his reaction. Of course, I try to make it a little classy.
If you were a stay-at-home Mom, you'd like meetings more. Two words - adult conversation. About whatever, I do not care. Budgets. Polygamists. Less active Wiccans. Bring it on.
Less active Wiccans. Oh, Dianna, you make me laugh.
When Nate was in law school, our building held too many wards, and we had a hard time finding space for our ward. The temporary solution was to have the family ward start at 8:00, and go until 10:00, which got us out of there before any other wards showed up. Heaven, I tell ya. I don't think anybody's testimony was hindered by having shorter meetings. Not a one.
And I would love to talk about less active Wiccas.
I also hate meetings. My first manager job was at a site with 13 other managers and we often went en masse to district meetings. My boss would assign another manager whose sole job at these meetings was to sit next to me to prevent me from disrupting the meetings with snoring. Now that I'm the boss we don't have meetings.
The worst is when you work in a department that is run primarily by women. All they want to do is have meetings.
I worked at a place where they would have meetings roughly every other hour of the day, I shit you not.
They sit around a conference table endlessly talking and talking, trying to find solutions to problems that don't exist.
Some meetings consisted of little more than a potluck munching fest that accomplished nothing, but would eat up a couple hours of the day.
Then they wonder why their productivity is so low, and would address that at another meeting.
Shut up and just do your work already. Sheesh.
You went to the Draper temple dedication and got it done in an hour and a half? We went to the temple dedication at the temple and had to be at a stake center NO LATER THAN 9:00 am (we got there at about 8:40) and sat. We then took a bus to another stake center and sat. For about an hour and 15 minutes. Then we walked to the tunnel taking us to the temple. Where we stood. Jammed like sardines. For another 45 minutes. Then we finally got into the temple, where we sat. For another 30 minutes. Then (at about 11:30 am) the dedicatory session began, and we sat for another hour and a half. By the time we got home (not having eaten lunch), it was about 2:00 pm. That makes for a long meeting.
Totally worth it, though!
You can, of course, tighten your sphincter, which gives you about three seconds of alertness, but there’s not much else.
Laughing Out Loud!
But ... have you had the otherworldly experience of falling asleep during the hometeaching message being delivered to you and your spouse -- in your own home?
Must admit, that people feel size is important - look at Fast Food to Cereal Boxes! Its the same with business and church!
I think that people feel the longer it is the better it is. Some of the church handbooks have gone from 9 pages to 30 pages. It is not that there has been more revelation just more need to exert control.
I feel its a sign of the juvenilisation of society in general. That people cannot just be taught principle in work or religion or politics but need to be instructed constantly as their is little faith from the management - who over estimate their intellect and inlfuence nad underestimate the competence of their workers/members etc.
Abbot
Abbot, you call to mind D&C 58:26: "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant."
You also call to mind a precocious New Era letter writer who responded to a crank who complained that the magazine was "juvenile," with the rejoinder "Since when is it a crime to be youthful?"
:)
Jim, you would have liked my meetings when I was Elders Quorum President. 20 minutes, tops.
This is why i-pods were invented. You can listen to "Kwen and the Security Guards" latest hits throughout the meeting, and to everyone else, look pleasant and attentive. Even groovy.
Stake Meetings are the worst. My husband has a stake calling and you wouldn't believe the amount of time he spends in meetings and I notice zero effect of those meetings in my life, or any change in the stake or wards because of them. What is there possibly to talk for 2 hours?
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